goddess to goddess

conversation with amiga keith... :D

BUZZ!!!
keith grafil: amiga!!
dulayicious: amiga!!!!!!!!!
BUZZ!!!
dulayicious: kamusta ka naman???
keith grafil: eto diyosa pa din
keith grafil: ikw?
keith grafil: tao ka na?
keith grafil: mortal ka na?
dulayicious: ay naku amiga..
dulayicious: sinubukan kong uminom ng tubig ng nawasa in hopes of becoming a mortal..
keith grafil: hahaha
dulayicious: hindi tumabla ewan ko ba...
keith grafil: actually amiga
keith grafil: aq pati tubig sa poso
keith grafil: ininom q na
keith grafil: ayaw tlga tumalab
keith grafil: diyosa pa din aq
dulayicious: hay naku amiga...
keith grafil: hirap na hirap nko..
dulayicious: dumive nako sa pasig river...
dulayicious: at nakalulon ng pesticides...
dulayicious: pero ala parin...
dulayicious: dyosa parin e!
dulayicious: *sigh*
keith grafil: hayaan na lang natin ang tadahana amiga
keith grafil: haaay..
dulayicious: oo nga e...
dulayicious: ganto talaga...
keith grafil: bka tlgang nakatakda tayo maging diyosa..
dulayicious: tayo na mismong gustong lumevel sa mga taga-lupa kaso ayaw talaga tayong pagbigyan...
dulayicious: :(
keith grafil: ;<


hahahaha i miss you, amiga! magshowdown tayo one of these days! :D (maghanda ka na, ok? :P)

*image posted with permission from my amiga, keith... ;>

beauty that should be noticed

she's standing in front of you but you can't see
you're staring right through her
she's holding out her heart for you to have
but that simple gift is not enough

she takes all the pain just to see you
even from a far, just to breathe the same air you do
she smiles when she sees your eyes twinkle
and cries with you in all your struggles

for her you're the world
and yet you don't even know she exists
your name is what she lives and breathes
and she wants nothing more

just to hold you and make you feel
the beating of her heart that gives her the will
and whisper to your ears, just this time
"i wish you were mine..."

*******************************************************************************

i was inspired to write this composition after i watched 200 pounds of beauty. hanna is a lively and good-hearted girl who dreams of singing onstage in front of an audience cheering her name. like any other girl, she dreams of spending her life with her prince charming. the world, though, has been cruel to her. though she was gifted with a talent beautiful personality, she was not blessed with external beauty, the kind of beauty that most girls desire to achieve. she's not slim like all the supermodels and she's not as pretty as those seen in tv. though she knows the things she's lacking, she's still optimistic that one day she'll be noticed and loved by the man she's secretly adoring, sang-jun.


but she's not living the fairytale life. people played on her insecurities and made her believe that she is worthless without the beauty that people covet. through her struggle, she was gradually dying, losing all her will to live and fight for herself.

and just when the last ounce of her will was about to wilt, she decided to change her life, drastically. she went under the knife and assumed a stranger's identity. she buried hanna and embraced jenny: the beautiful and desired beauty. she started gaining the adoration and love she never dream of having. then, fame and success gradually knocked on her door. she took it all in and embraced her new life, a life that miles different from the life hanna has lived. yet all the success and love she's been getting still could not take away her insecurities because she knows deep down that she's living the life of stranger and not of her own. people love the beautiful jenny and not the lively hanna.

just when she was reaching the peak of her career, she decided to introduce hanna to the world that embraced her as a natural beauty. she revealed her true identity and spoke from her heart. she recalled her painful journey to achieving the beauty she thought would bring her happiness and the man she loves but ended up hurting herself and the people who love her unconditionally. she asked for forgiveness and asked not to be loved but be accepted for who she truly is, an imperfect woman who just wishes to live a happy life.

just like hanna, i'm far from perfect. i don't have a coca cola body and lack the height required for a model. i grow pimples and get bruised. i don't have a perfect complexion, much more a flawless skin but you see, i won't be able to be genuinely happy if i don't embrace who i am and how i look. yes, i try different ways to get fit but i found that the more i try to be like all the other beautiful girls, the more i hurt myself because i know, i can never be like them. because i was fated to be me, dulay. the lively, cheerful and optimistic dulay.

no more damsel in distress

you're special
I believed those words and I was so happy...

i heard that if you give up things too easily
to a man, he will get bored with you...

a girl says that she will never be fooled again
but she will fall in love again...

don't take advantage of a girl's willingness
to do anything for love and her caring instinct...

i didn't know that to be born as a girl and
to be loved was so hard...

*lines taken from KISS' Because I'm A Girl*

coming from an all-girls school, our advocacy for "women empowerment" grew on me... i remember telling my friend about the message of the song i have just posted above... and i remember how she cringed as i was telling her how the song goes... it didn't surprised me that i've gotten that kind of reaction from my friend... after all, the message is simple, that women are easily fooled by men... or to be harsh, women are weak... at that time, i agreed with that interpretation but now, as i took a closer look at the lyrics, i realized that there's more to it than simply women being helpless...

you're special... i believe those words and i was so happy... they say we, women, are always conscious and we need compliments to assure us... whether it be with the way we look... our actions... our everything... they say we are conscious because we want to make sure that we are able to impress... i say we're not always conscious... sometimes we want to be complimented because we want to feel appreciated... that there's someone who sees something good in us... that there's someone who notices the good things that are happening in our lives... no, we don't desperately need assurance all the time... what we want is AFFIRMATION...

i heard that if you give up things too easily to a man, he will get bored with you... maybe it's true... maybe it's not always true... though i heard from a lot of people that this line is true, i don't think i can go ahead and say "yeah"... men still hold the key to this mystery, for they are the ones who know what's going on inside them... we can merely speculate... and my speculation is regardless of whether men will easily get bored once we've given things too easily or not, it will not change the fact that we've made the decision to give it to them... and most of the time, that was made because we preferred that decision over the other ... because, naive as it may sound, in the back of our minds we feel that love should not be treated as a game... that love should be genuine...


don't take advantage of a girl's willingness to do anything for love and her caring instinct... sometimes, when we are in love, we tend to be "high"... we feel as if we can do anything... overcome anything... and sometimes, we really do... i think we can blame it on the countless stories of sleeping beauties... of snow whites... of cinderellas... and of all the others who had, at one point or another in our lives, made us believe in the myth of happy ending... that if we patiently wait and care for our prince charming... and if we just nurture him and devote ourselves to him, he will sweep us off our feet and carry us to his castle where we will live happily ever after with him... such utopian perception of love but i feel that this idealistic type of perception is what makes us believe that love is pure... that it is designed to truly bring us genuine happiness...

i didn't know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard... is it really hard to be loved if you're born a girl? i remembered what our professor in rspt once told us... women and men switch places during valentine's day in japan... women give chocolates and the men receive it... in parts of the world, women's clit are circumcised... some people see this action as a foreboding that women are entirely slaves to men... that women should not impart on the pleasure that men experience... but why do these things happen? because we let them determine our lives for us? i will say this... it will only be hard for us to be loved if we let it be...

a girl says that she will never be fooled again but she will fall in love again... we hate getting hurt but we love falling in love... we love feeling that somehow, we are living and breathing for someone... that we are caring and treating someone special... that we are sharing our lives with someone special... we love getting mushy and cheesy (although there are times that we hate to admit it... ;> ) and cuddly and seeing our significant other doing the same thing... that even if our past experiences were not good, we live by the belief that there is something better for us... we live by the belief that true love happens to those who believe... and that true happiness can only be felt once we've exprienced great pain... maybe some perceive it as masochism... but in truth, we only just want to love... and be loved...

the other girl

another entry i did last year... thought to share with you my insights on the "other woman"...
...

Kabit... kerida... madrasta... sabit... ahas... home-wrecker... walang konsensya... imoral... malandi...

Lahat na ata ng masasakit na salita natawag na natin sa mga babaeng nagmamahal ng lalakeng may nauna ng minahal at minamahal... sa lahat na halos ng mga pinapanood at napanod na natin pelikula at palabas, laging sila yung kontrabida... kinaiinisan, sinisisi sa pagkasira ng ibang relasyon... sinisisi natin sila kung bakit nawalan ng ama yung isang bata o kung bakit walang tigil sa pag-iyak nung asawa o girlfriend nung lalakeng minamahal niya...

I grew up with this belief that all the "other women" are evil, created to tempt and destroy a happy and solid relationship... i grew up viewing them as selfish people who don't care about other people's feelings but their own... i despised the women who entered the lives of my friends' boyfriends and yanked them away from my friends' grasps... i'm laughing now remembering that i used to joke around with my friends that our group was cursed by leeches who can't seem to resist the charm of the unavailable... i even recall calling those girls by nasty pet names like "pugita", "pugits", "lamang dagat", "kampon ng karagatan" and so much more... i know it was mean on my part but i can't help myself... i've seen the effects they had on my friends... i saw how my friends' worlds crumbled when they found out that the men they thought they could trust, the men they shared their dreams with, the men they'd envisioned would be waiting by the altar for them, turned out to be sharing those dreams with someone else... i've seen how in a snap, my once confident and beaming friend, lost her smile and self-confidence... how with a snap of a finger, she became the ugliest girl in her own eyes... witnessing all these, i came to hate the men who broke their hearts... i grew disgusted of them... but my hate and disgust for them did not compare to how i felt for the girls who were the reasons for my friends' hurt...

the funny thing is, though, i accidentally caught this movie on tube... it portrayed the mistress in a different way, unusual from all the other characterizations we have seen so far... this movie got me rethinking about my perspective of mistresses, the other women... pano kaya kung ako yung kabit? ako yung tinatago... yung inuuwian sa hatinggabi at iniiwanan sa madaling araw? yung ngahihintay sa apartment sa pagdating ng lalakeng mahal ko tapos pag dumating siya, aalis naman agad kasi hinihintay na siya ng iba... yung pinapakilala bilang kaibigan, officemate, "acquaintance"? yung nasa likod, pumapalakpak at tahimik na pinagmamalaki yung lalakeng pinagkakaguluhan habang may isang babaeng yumayakap at humahalik sa kanya... at natutuwa yung mga tao... maririnig ko silang sinasabi na "uy, ang sweet naman nila! bagay talaga sila noh?"... titingin sila sakin at siyemre, ngingiti ako kahit pa sa mga oras na yun, parang gusto ko nang bumuka yun lupa at lamunin ako para lang hindi ko na makita yung mga nangyayari...

i've never been the other woman... i've never felt how it was to be in a mistress' shoe... and i don't ever want to be in one... i don't want to imagine how it feels to love someone whom i know has another that he loves, probably more than he loves me... how it hurts to share the main source of my happiness with another... how painful it is to be with someone knowing that later this evening, he'll be in the arms of another... and what can be more painful than knowing that you cannot demand to be the only one, since he's already committed even before you came... and all you can do is either love him and share him with the legal one, or leave so that he can right his mistakes...

ngayon, hindi ko na sila kinasusuklaman... mas nasusuklam ako sa mga lalakeng pinapaasa pa sila kahit na may ibang taong minamahal at nagmamahal na sa kanila... yung mga lalakeng walang kaalam-alam kung gano kasakit matawag na kerida, kabit, ahas, malandi, sabit, imoral at home-wrecker... yung mga lalakeng hindi nararamdaman kung gano kahirap magkaron ng kahati sa puso ng taong minamahal nila...

this realization also gave me a new-found respect and love for the man who's in my life right now... i may not be his first girlfriend and i don't know if i'll be his last, but i know and i can feel with each moment that we're together (and even in the times that we're not), he loves me truthfully and respects me... and with the many selfish men lurking around, i've found someone whom i can trust and not regret giving my heart to...

for him

composed this about a few months ago... thought i'd share it here... :)

...

dragging myself out of bed in a cold January morning
is the worst torture anyone can inflict
and yet there is no choice,
a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do

battling busy traffic, hustling for a seat
that's all part of my routine
feels like it's never ending
but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do

when all things fall apart
when everything's breaking my heart
i look at him
and everything's alright again

all day long i meet busy faces
papers and folders are my new best friends
and like any human being
i get tired as well

i count the minutes till it's five
i count the hours till he's mine
because every night is the best night
when he's by my side

when life's throwing all the crap
when it seems like nothing can keep me intact
i look at him
and everything's alright again


the best feeling in the world is leaning my head on his shoulder
and not have anything to care
because when i look at him, i know
everything will be alright again